80 - Single

The thought does sometimes enter my mind as to whether I’ll be single for the rest of my life. I realise this may be a somewhat pessimistic outlook, but perhaps it may be realistic, and with how 2020 has been going, the isolation and all that pandemic related malarkey, makes me increasingly think this is my future.

 

And it’s not even necessarily a bad thing.

I have now spent close to 8 and a half years as a single chap, and I am somewhat used to just doing exactly what I feel like, when I feel like it – subject to restrictions of needing to do pesky things like working, and planning around school days/holidays and the other fun things the kids do. Oh, and of course, traversing the may different rules of the lockdowns this year. But, ultimately, decision are mine, and I am rather used to how life is.

 

I sometimes wonder if I’ve spent so much time single that I’d be no good in any kind of relationship, or that I’d need a lot of knocking in to shape to be even remotely bearable around, and that I’d put off anyone that might even contemplate a date with me? You may think this is, again, pessimism; but precedent set would point in this direction. I mean, of the handful of dates I have been in on recent years virtually all of them I’ve thought have gone well… until the inevitable “nah, not for me” follow up. Even the rarer second dates have failed to lead to a third.

 

Oh. Well.

 

And also I really don’t like dating as a concept much anyway as it’s far too much like a two way job interview with all the questions etc (I’ve been told I both ask too many and too few questions!), and trying to cram as much in as you can in a pretty short amount of time. Sometimes the conversation flows better than others, but I guess that’s a part of how things are; conversations with someone you’ve only just met will never be the same as with those who have been your friends for many years. You don’t yet have the shortcuts, in-jokes, and knowledge of the kind of things the other will find funny etc. These things take time, which is in short supply on a date. Also, to be honest, on a first date I really don’t care what your job is; all that can come later. I mean, chances are it’s not that exciting; certainly mine isn’t. I’d rather be talking about the things you choose to do, hobbies, interests, likes, dislikes, opinions on things. All that is much, much, more interesting. I remember one date was a massive EastEnders fan; she talked for ages about that, and it was great. Can’t remember her job at all.  

 

Of course, you have to get someone to go on a date with you in the first place, and these days that’s mainly the apps; even when you match with someone only a small number will actually bother to message you back. And then it’s hard to know exactly what to say in your first message. I always try to make sure I include something that shows I’ve actually paid attention to her profile, so it doesn’t sound like it’s a generic message that could be sent to anyone (though I admit, I have sent some of these). I mean, I don’t expect a reply within 30 seconds of hitting “send”, but when you look in your inbox and see piles of messages without replies it does get a little disheartening. Almost wish you’d not got the match in the first place.

 

Looking back, I sound like a right moaning old whingebag, and that’s really not the tone I was aiming for here. I do retain at least a little optimism that I might not be single forever, but I am much less worried about it than I might have been in the past. I have far fewer expectations now than I might have had in the past, and I guess whatever happens, happens.

 

No-one knows just what the future holds, and in some ways that’s exciting. The pandemic has put things on hold for a while, but it won’t last forever. You never know, maybe a match or two might work out how to reply to a message and it could be the start of something big? Or maybe the start of something nothing much at all?

 

Either way there’s only one way to find out…

19 - Orwell.

I never would have thought that George Orwell would ever have had anything to say about internet dating... yet he does. Sort of. I came across this article he wrote today for one of his regular columns, and this portion of it seem eerily like internet dating in the 21st century.

Yes, it's true it relates to a printed periodical, rather than the internet. But the underlying principles of this article hold true...

"THE MAY number of the Matrimonial Post and Fashionable Marriage Advertiser contains advertisements from 191 men seeking brides and over 200 women seeking husbands. Advertisements of this type have been running in a whole series of magazines since the sixties or earlier, and they are nearly always very much alike. For example:

Bachelor, age 25, height 6 ft 1 in., slim, fond of horticulture, animals, children, cinema, etc., would like to meet lady, age 27 to 35, with love of flowers, nature, children, must be tall, medium build, Church of England.

The general run of them are just like that, though occasionally a more unusual note is struck. For instance:

I’m 29, single, 5 ft 10 in., English, large build, kind, quiet, varied intellectual interests, firm moral background (registered unconditionally as absolute CO), progressive, creative, literary inclinations. A dealer in rare stamps, income variable but quite adequate. Strong swimmer, cyclist, slight stammer occasionally. Looking for the following rarity, amiable, adaptable, educated girl, easy on eye and ear, under 30, secretary type or similar, mentally adventurous, immune to mercenary and social incentives, bright sense of genuine humour, a reliable working partner. Capital unimportant, character vital.

The thing that is and always has been striking in these advertisements is that nearly all the applicants are remarkably eligible. It is not only that most of them are broad-minded, intelligent, home-loving, musical, loyal, sincere and affectionate, with a keen sense of humour and, in the case of women, a good figure: in the majority of cases they are financially OK as well. When you consider how fatally easy it is to get married, you would not imagine that a 36-year-old bachelor, ‘dark hair, fair complexion, slim build, height 6 ft, well educated and of considerate, jolly and intelligent disposition, income £1,000 per annum and capital’, would need to find himself a bride through the columns of a newspaper. And ditto with ‘Adventurous young woman, left-wing opinions, modern outlook’ with ‘fairly full but shapely figure, medium colour curly hair, grey-blue eyes, fair skin, natural colouring, health exceptionally good, interested in music, art, literature, cinema, theatre, fond of walking, cycling, tennis, skating and rowing’. Why does such a paragon have to advertise?

It should be noted that the Matrimonial Post is entirely above-board and checks up carefully on its advertisers.

What these things really demonstrate is the atrocious loneliness of people living in big towns. People meet for work and then scatter to widely separated homes. Anywhere in inner London it is probably exceptional to know even the names of the people who live next door.

Years ago I lodged for a while in the Portobello Road. This is hardly a fashionable quarter, but the landlady had been lady’s maid to some woman of title and had a good opinion of herself. One day something went wrong with the front door and my landlady, her husband and myself were all locked out of the house. It was evident that we should have to get in by an upper window, and as there was a jobbing builder next door I suggested borrowing a ladder from him. My landlady looked somewhat uncomfortable.

‘I wouldn’t like to do that,’ she said finally. ‘You see we don’t know him. We’ve been here fourteen years, and we’ve always taken care not to know the people on either side of us. It wouldn’t do, not in a neighbourhood like this. If you once begin talking to them they get familiar, you see.’

So we had to borrow a ladder from a relative of her husband’s, and carry it nearly a mile with great labour and discomfort.

I'm sure I don't need to point out all the similarities here. Internet dating seems to me to be the least worst way of meeting someone, but it's so frustrating and I have so few other opportunities to meet someone even vaguely suitable. If I'd been around in the forties I swear I'd have ended up putting an ad in that paper, or similar. 

Orwell was right about big towns. They're full of people who are lonely, but wishing they weren't. People who pass each other silently by, who would otherwise potentially be good friends if only they could talk. But it's not the done thing to approach people, and to start something up. Sometimes I think I should be brave and give it a go. But then, like in that Smiths song, a strange fear grips me... 

Still, onwards and upwards...

18 - Matching.

Sorry to keep wibbling on about online dating and all that guff, but it is somewhat on my mind. The thing that annoys me about many dating sites is what they call a “match”.

So, I'll put in my requirements, which just for the sake of an example are “must look like either Diane Morgan or Danai Gurira”. Which I'm sure you'll agree is an entirely reasonable list of requirements. One or the other. I'm not fussed.

I'll hit the search button... and the site will give me a host of ladies who look either like Diane Morgan or Danai Gurira. I click on the first match to come along and start to read her description and wait... it'll say something like

“Must be called Sven, and be able to juggle hedgehogs whilst yodelling the Guatamalan nation anthem.”

Hang on. I'm not called Sven. And whilst I can juggle, it's only with balls and not hedgehogs. And I don't even know the Guatamalan national anthem...

You see, whilst the site gives me a wealth of ladies who meet my entirely reasonable requirements, it doesn't bother to check their requirements to see if I match theirs. So I'll be wading through all these lovely ladies who look either like Diane Morgan or Danai Gurira, and get increasingly disappointed that I don't meet their entirely reasonable demands.

OK Cupid tries its best with this with its match percentage, but this is still far from perfect as there are certain questions there which are complete dealbreakers, which can still be answered in the “wrong” way and not have that much of an effect on overall percentage as there are so many other questions answered in the “correct” way.

All I want is for there to be at least one place that will only show me matches where she matches my requirements and I match hers. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Well, either that or a date with the real Diane Morgan or Danai Gurira...

17 - Resolution.

I do sometimes make New Year's Resolutions, but invariably break them. I think part of the reason is because I keep changing my mind. This year I'd thought of making a resolution to go on at least one date every month, as that would give me a target to aim for. But then I started to talk myself out of it for numerous reasons... I mean, mainly, though the chances of me actually getting 12 dates over the course of the year is roughly zero, as that would require me to find that many girls that would not only want to date me, but also to put up with how tricky it can be to even find times and days for dates... it's tricky being a single parent.

Then I thought... but what if I end up finding someone on the first date of the year who was not only right for me, but I was right for her. When my subconscious picked itself up after rolling around on the floor in laughter for a few hours I soon rethought that notion. Never gonna happen.

And then even trying to insist on a set number across the year seemed to be a folly, as surely all this kind of thing should come naturally, not as a part of some sort of artificially imposed quota that's putting an emphasis on quantity, rather than quality.

So, no. I guess I'll continue my way through this year in the same way I've been muddling through 2015 and 2016...

I could try to think up another resolution, but it's 2017 now and I'm not sure I have the energy to do so.

11 - Description.

I do wonder if I should give up online dating. I'm not entirely sure it's working. And I think the problem is probably me, and that I'm not exactly what you would call a catch. Oh, and I suck at dating. (See post 3.)

Online dating has been described as a numbers game in that you end up looking through loads of profiles, messaging a number of these profiles, having actual proper communication with some of these, and going on dates with some of these... a subset of a subset of a subset of the whole. And for me that final number is quite a small number.

My online profile varies between the different apps/sites, I'm on six, but they all at least tell some details about my personal circumstance, albeit in varying levels of detail (essentially; widower, two kids). I did wonder what it was about me that meant I got few hits.

Then I got the answer.

About a week or so ago I got a new dating app, Hinge. #7... In that app, I used the same set of pictures as the other apps/sites... well, I think I added in a couple of different ones. But I omitted the crucial detail mentioned in the brackets in the last paragraph. The result...

...well, I got more responses, and more interest, in that one week so far on that app than from the other six apps put together, over the last month.

I realise that this may not be the most scientific approach in that it's hardly a double-blind experiment (I don't even know how I would set that up!), but as a rough and ready way of assessing what about my profiles is off-putting it is pretty telling.

Clearly, with those I've messaged on Hinge, depending on if conversation is heading towards meeting I'll tell them about things before we meet. I wonder what will happen... 

10 - Photographs.

Whilst, yes, this blog is not meant to have a specific theme, given that it's all about digression, this is yet another dating post...

One of the things that can be very tricky is to choose the correct photographs to go on your profile; especially your main profile picture. Your main picture, especially on the swiping apps, is the one that has the most riding on it and may cause a potential date to either look in more detail at your other pictures, and the profile, or to swipe left and end all possibilities.

I'm not going to claim my pictures are perfect, but there's one thing that grates to me in pictures on dating sites; and that's pictures with other people in.

Now, I know that it's good to have pictures of you with your friends, etc. But I don't need to see pictures of them. I've lost count of the number of times I've looked at a profile picture of two people, thought “oh, I hope she's the one on the left”, looked at further photos and realised that no... that's just her friend.

And that's not even counting the profiles where there's two, or three, or four people on every single photo, and you have to try to work out which one it is. I have seen some profiles where there's a couple of people in every picture. How am I meant to tell which is which!

Lastly, pictures of kids. I don't mind if you've got kids, but is it appropriate to put pictures of them on a dating site where there may be all sorts of weirdos about?

I mean, it's not a tricky problem to solve. Just paint out the faces of anyone that's not you. I see some that do this, and it's such a relief. There's no ambiguity. Or even just a caption saying “that's me fourth from right, on the second row, with the fez on my head”. Just make sure it's clear...

7 - Digression.

Actually, I suppose I should probably should give over a few moments to explaining why the blog is called what it is... although I guess Holden's comment that “...I like it when somebody digresses. It's more interesting and all.” does kind of sum it all up in a rather succinct manner.

I want my blog to be able to be a place for me to yak about anything I feel I want to yak about. In many ways, I could do all of this on Faceache, but going back to look at old posts is a pain on there, and besides; on here you can give labels to posts so that you can see all posts relating to a specific subject. Assuming I remember to label properly...

You'll have seen some examples now of things I've yakked about. A couple of posts about dating (and expect more about this topic; I have a lot to say...), and a couple on recent news events.

But there'll be much more that this kind of thing. One post I'm also working on at the moment is one about how great SpiceWorld is, and there'll be posts about all sorts of TV shows old, and new. Ditto to films. And I expect there'll be a few posts about The Catcher in the Rye as well. I do need to dig out that picture of the lagoon in Central Park...

So, yes. All sorts of things. I'll try to update as frequently as possible, but there may be days between posts. Or then there might be three posts in a single day. Depends how much I have to say...

4 - Messages.

Continuing on from the previous post, another thing that gets my goat about online dating is messaging. At times.

If it's a site like OkCupid or Plenty of Fish where you can send a message to pretty much anyone, to not get a reply isn't unexpected, and to get one message back for every ten first messages sent wouldn't be too bad a ratio. I suspect my actual ratio is somewhat lower.

But for places like Tinder or Bumble, where you can only exchange messages once you've both “liked” each other, to not reply to a message seems odd. I mean, if you had no intention of messaging or anything why “like” in the first place. I guess I could appreciate it if it were only a few times this happens, but it seems to be the norm.

Maybe I'm unusual. Maybe I'm a rare person that only swipes right if I really would send a message to the person. But to me that seems to be a logical thing to do. Why swipe right if you don't have any intention of following it up?

Ah, well... 

3 - Dating.

I hate dating. It's a right pain in the arse. At the age I am, I never thought it would be something I have to worry about; but circumstances meant that from the middle of 2012 I've been single. And over the last year and a half I've been on a few dates, and slowly I'm finding my hope that this endeavour might be a success is slipping away.

It seems that everything is always based on a sense of immediacy, that if you don't have fireworks and a massive initial spark on first meeting that, well, there's no way it can go anywhere, and there's not a chance for anything in the future. Everything rests on that first date, and first dates are nerve shredding experiences.

It's very hard to be completely yourself when you first meet someone, as you're both trying to present the best possible picture you can of yourself in the hope that you might both get that mutual, immediate, spark. There's a school of thought that says a first date is almost like a mutual job interview; but that seems to be a rather too cynical way of thinking of it. Whatever your mindset, your whole future with (or without) the person you are dating is almost always based on those couple or three hours you spend together.

And it is a restrictive way of doing things; you're really not yourself. The nerves, the intent to impress, the lack of any shared background... just think about all your friends, and those who you have had relationships with. There's that shared history, the in-jokes you have with each other, the phrases that evoke memories acting as a kind of shorthand. These just aren't there in a first date, and there's just not time to build them up, unless you are very lucky.

I'm not saying it never works for anyone. I'm just saying it probably doesn't work for me. I suck at dating. Or maybe I'm just doomed to be single forever, and there's no-one else out there for me.

But the thing is, it's not like I've actually hated the dates I've been on; almost all of them I very much liked (but there was the one really bad one...), and almost without exception (that one!) I'd have liked to have gotten to know my date better. Having said that though, and this may seem to be a bit contradictory, there's not anyone that after just a first date that I've been 100% sure I'd definitely have wanted a relationship with; but I would certainly have liked the chance to have had more dates to find out, to get to know them better, and to just see how things developed.

Maybe I'm out of step with how things are in this day and ages; with mobile dating apps like Tinder and Bumble where decisions are made on the swipe of a finger, maybe immediacy is the key, and a single date is enough to decide. It's just so exhausting, and morale sapping, when you get that message the next day saying that there's not going to be another date.

Still, even though I've said all this, you just know I'll be back on the apps...