19 - Orwell.

I never would have thought that George Orwell would ever have had anything to say about internet dating... yet he does. Sort of. I came across this article he wrote today for one of his regular columns, and this portion of it seem eerily like internet dating in the 21st century.

Yes, it's true it relates to a printed periodical, rather than the internet. But the underlying principles of this article hold true...

"THE MAY number of the Matrimonial Post and Fashionable Marriage Advertiser contains advertisements from 191 men seeking brides and over 200 women seeking husbands. Advertisements of this type have been running in a whole series of magazines since the sixties or earlier, and they are nearly always very much alike. For example:

Bachelor, age 25, height 6 ft 1 in., slim, fond of horticulture, animals, children, cinema, etc., would like to meet lady, age 27 to 35, with love of flowers, nature, children, must be tall, medium build, Church of England.

The general run of them are just like that, though occasionally a more unusual note is struck. For instance:

I’m 29, single, 5 ft 10 in., English, large build, kind, quiet, varied intellectual interests, firm moral background (registered unconditionally as absolute CO), progressive, creative, literary inclinations. A dealer in rare stamps, income variable but quite adequate. Strong swimmer, cyclist, slight stammer occasionally. Looking for the following rarity, amiable, adaptable, educated girl, easy on eye and ear, under 30, secretary type or similar, mentally adventurous, immune to mercenary and social incentives, bright sense of genuine humour, a reliable working partner. Capital unimportant, character vital.

The thing that is and always has been striking in these advertisements is that nearly all the applicants are remarkably eligible. It is not only that most of them are broad-minded, intelligent, home-loving, musical, loyal, sincere and affectionate, with a keen sense of humour and, in the case of women, a good figure: in the majority of cases they are financially OK as well. When you consider how fatally easy it is to get married, you would not imagine that a 36-year-old bachelor, ‘dark hair, fair complexion, slim build, height 6 ft, well educated and of considerate, jolly and intelligent disposition, income £1,000 per annum and capital’, would need to find himself a bride through the columns of a newspaper. And ditto with ‘Adventurous young woman, left-wing opinions, modern outlook’ with ‘fairly full but shapely figure, medium colour curly hair, grey-blue eyes, fair skin, natural colouring, health exceptionally good, interested in music, art, literature, cinema, theatre, fond of walking, cycling, tennis, skating and rowing’. Why does such a paragon have to advertise?

It should be noted that the Matrimonial Post is entirely above-board and checks up carefully on its advertisers.

What these things really demonstrate is the atrocious loneliness of people living in big towns. People meet for work and then scatter to widely separated homes. Anywhere in inner London it is probably exceptional to know even the names of the people who live next door.

Years ago I lodged for a while in the Portobello Road. This is hardly a fashionable quarter, but the landlady had been lady’s maid to some woman of title and had a good opinion of herself. One day something went wrong with the front door and my landlady, her husband and myself were all locked out of the house. It was evident that we should have to get in by an upper window, and as there was a jobbing builder next door I suggested borrowing a ladder from him. My landlady looked somewhat uncomfortable.

‘I wouldn’t like to do that,’ she said finally. ‘You see we don’t know him. We’ve been here fourteen years, and we’ve always taken care not to know the people on either side of us. It wouldn’t do, not in a neighbourhood like this. If you once begin talking to them they get familiar, you see.’

So we had to borrow a ladder from a relative of her husband’s, and carry it nearly a mile with great labour and discomfort.

I'm sure I don't need to point out all the similarities here. Internet dating seems to me to be the least worst way of meeting someone, but it's so frustrating and I have so few other opportunities to meet someone even vaguely suitable. If I'd been around in the forties I swear I'd have ended up putting an ad in that paper, or similar. 

Orwell was right about big towns. They're full of people who are lonely, but wishing they weren't. People who pass each other silently by, who would otherwise potentially be good friends if only they could talk. But it's not the done thing to approach people, and to start something up. Sometimes I think I should be brave and give it a go. But then, like in that Smiths song, a strange fear grips me... 

Still, onwards and upwards...

18 - Matching.

Sorry to keep wibbling on about online dating and all that guff, but it is somewhat on my mind. The thing that annoys me about many dating sites is what they call a “match”.

So, I'll put in my requirements, which just for the sake of an example are “must look like either Diane Morgan or Danai Gurira”. Which I'm sure you'll agree is an entirely reasonable list of requirements. One or the other. I'm not fussed.

I'll hit the search button... and the site will give me a host of ladies who look either like Diane Morgan or Danai Gurira. I click on the first match to come along and start to read her description and wait... it'll say something like

“Must be called Sven, and be able to juggle hedgehogs whilst yodelling the Guatamalan nation anthem.”

Hang on. I'm not called Sven. And whilst I can juggle, it's only with balls and not hedgehogs. And I don't even know the Guatamalan national anthem...

You see, whilst the site gives me a wealth of ladies who meet my entirely reasonable requirements, it doesn't bother to check their requirements to see if I match theirs. So I'll be wading through all these lovely ladies who look either like Diane Morgan or Danai Gurira, and get increasingly disappointed that I don't meet their entirely reasonable demands.

OK Cupid tries its best with this with its match percentage, but this is still far from perfect as there are certain questions there which are complete dealbreakers, which can still be answered in the “wrong” way and not have that much of an effect on overall percentage as there are so many other questions answered in the “correct” way.

All I want is for there to be at least one place that will only show me matches where she matches my requirements and I match hers. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Well, either that or a date with the real Diane Morgan or Danai Gurira...

17 - Resolution.

I do sometimes make New Year's Resolutions, but invariably break them. I think part of the reason is because I keep changing my mind. This year I'd thought of making a resolution to go on at least one date every month, as that would give me a target to aim for. But then I started to talk myself out of it for numerous reasons... I mean, mainly, though the chances of me actually getting 12 dates over the course of the year is roughly zero, as that would require me to find that many girls that would not only want to date me, but also to put up with how tricky it can be to even find times and days for dates... it's tricky being a single parent.

Then I thought... but what if I end up finding someone on the first date of the year who was not only right for me, but I was right for her. When my subconscious picked itself up after rolling around on the floor in laughter for a few hours I soon rethought that notion. Never gonna happen.

And then even trying to insist on a set number across the year seemed to be a folly, as surely all this kind of thing should come naturally, not as a part of some sort of artificially imposed quota that's putting an emphasis on quantity, rather than quality.

So, no. I guess I'll continue my way through this year in the same way I've been muddling through 2015 and 2016...

I could try to think up another resolution, but it's 2017 now and I'm not sure I have the energy to do so.